Saturday, January 8, 2011

How to make hospital me...this can work!

After visiting the local ER twice in one week...I have finally figured out how to make hospital visits FUN.
1-Leave ALL children at home
----this includes husbands that think it is funny to make glove balloons.
2.-Convince the nurses to add Vodka to your drip line as an additional pain killer.
3.-Do not allow the front desk to "list you" as being a patient, so no one can call and bother you.

Doing these 3 things will make your trip like a mini vacation.....ok so having 4 boys...for me this would be a MAJOR vacation.  BUT this will only work if YOU are in the hospital.  Hell some days I am tempted to trip myself down the stairs just for a visit...LOL.

But if you are one of the (un)fortunate ones to NOT end up in the ER, but you are the caretaker (spouse) of the one that are a few tips:
1-Do not bring any kids with you (Hire a babysitter at all costs, being cooped up in a tiny room with kids will make you more likely to run across the street and play chicken with the cars).
2-Make sure your spouse is half dead. Now you laugh, but i am serious....if they are even semi conscious they will still try to make glove balloons or argue about what you have on the TV.
3-Bring something to drink/eat/snack on...because the vending machines SUCK!
4-Bring LOTS of change. 
5-Don't bring kids with you...especially on a school night.

I know the rules...but do I ever follow them? Nope, not a one. I know better....I do, but  happens....and really screws with your plans. For example, Thursday night.

Thursday night my husband (who has been really sick for 3 weeks with bronchitis and a high fever) decided that he was going to try to take a shower, and ended up blacking out on the living room floor. Granted that probably wasn't his plan, but still it messed with my plans....why you ask...because I was sleeping. This is how I was woken up:
Me: (Sleeping for 4 hours...middle of a great was around 6pm)
Orion: BANG BANG BANG...MOM..MOM....are you awake?
Me: No, I'm sleeping, what do you want?
Orion: Mom, it is an needs you.
Me: Why me? Can't you help him? Get him something to drink. Let me sleep.
Orion: No mom, it is a REAL emergency, you need to come right is real. I'm not lying.
Me: Ok, ok, give me a few minutes to get dressed and try to remember where I am at.
Orion: Well hurry up, it is important.

So I get dressed and head upstairs, where I find Orion playing on the computer. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me to look in the living room....and he went back to his shooting game.

I went in the living room and there is my husband...laying half on the ottoman and half on the floor...covered in only a towel.  Ummm okay....why is he sleeping like that.  Then I realized he wasn't moving/snoring/nothing...and he was cold.  So I start freaking out, trying to find his pulse on his neck and knocking him all the way off the ottoman onto the floor.

He woke up enough to tell me to take him to the hospital, but not to call an ambulance. So here I am, trying to get my husband dressed and out the door (which is no small feat since he is a big guy), and I realize that Orion is still playing his computer game.

Now at this time,  I could A: leave him there because he wouldn't know we were gone until Friday afternoon when he had to get up to go pee and whine about having no food in the house....or....B: Take him with and break rule #1 AND rule #5 (because it is a Thursday night).

So after him throwing a fit about having to leave, we finally got to the hospital and checked in. After an hour wait (which is a long time, considering our hospital has a very quick wait) and one PSP dying, we were finally given an ER room. At this time Orion and I are getting thirsty, because we forgot rule #3.  I find my debt card and we take a walk to find the ATM.

By the time we found an ATM and pay the extra $100 to take $20 out...and walk ALL THE WAY BACK to the vending machines...we find out that nothing takes $20. So we talk to the security guard that is able to break our $20, but only have $17 on him (which is fine, because I have been there two hours and need a Pepsi). We walk back into the vending area to find out that now the machines are telling you that they will only take EXACT change!

Sorry, with this being the age of plastic, I don't carry around $15 dollars of multiple denominations of change in my pockets. I turn to the "wheel of death" for some luck. You know the machine...the one that spins around and around with odd looking food in it. I could have sworn the day before it said Tuna Sandwich, but now a label is on it saying, Tuna and Spinach Sandwich....can't fool is the same sandwich that has been in there since Good Friday!  I'm on to you Wheel of Death Machine. They are in EVERY hospital to make the healthy get sick...I'm on to them!

Anyway, since it is the only one that will take my $5 I have Orion pick something out. Hey he is a strong boy with a healthy immune system...he will be he doesn't like Tuna! He chose some Cookie dough brownie thing, but I didn't care. It didn't have anything green or white growing on it and it gave me change for my Pepsi. I was so excited that I damn near skipped to the soda machine, entered my EXACT $1.80 change and pushed the Pepsi button....and....nothing....I pushed again....still nothing! I hit it about 3 more times, then Orion told me that the machine was saying, "OUT". All that was left was some cheap Root Beer or Orange soda...I choose Root Bear...and... I cried.

I didn't cry because my husband was in the hospital. I didn't cry because Orion was eating something covered in chocolate (I hope). I didn't cry because I was lacking sleep....I cried because after everything...I ended up paying $4.80 for a soda that had no caffeine and I didn't like! I cried because this wasn't the way things were suppose to be. This wasn't in the plans I had for today.

Then Orion said, "Hey mom...both my DS and my PSP are dead...we should have brought our Pokemon cards...then we could have battled," and he gave me a hug.  I just smiled, and wiped my tears and said "Yes Orion, that would have been fun"

5 hours later we were on our way home. We had no idea what was going on with Randy. All we knew was that he didn't have a heart attack. He didn't have a blood clot in his lungs. He didn't have anything wrong with his head (still I would like to look at that CT scan, because I KNOW there is something wrong up All we knew was that he still had bronchitis...and was on his 3rd different kind of antibiotic for it.

But now to add to the list.....To make a hospital fun....even if you can't meet the above rules...bring Pokemon least you can win at something!

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